Oh, Gloria!
by Inudaughter Returns
Summary: Lila has taken an interest (temporarily) in Stinky Peterson. Will his love for Gloria wane? What's a poor, confused boy to do except go fishing at Hillwood Lake? During his hermitage, Stinky makes his choice of his only beloved but not until after a lengthy bout of romantic despair.


Lila Sawyer poked her head out from behind a tall bookshelf in the library at P.S. 118. As ever, her gloriously red hair was braided into twin tails with the tinest of ribbons. The ribbon knots seemed to anchor the base of her braids as she twisted her head, forcing her braided hair to take the shape of arcs.

What was Lila so curious about? It was the spectacle of her fellow classmates studying. Arnold and Gerald were both reading from astronomy books. Arnold wore a day-dreaming daze that practically consumed him. Gerald had taken on a scholarly air, with a pinched nose and a shrewd squint as he rubbed below his chin. Stinky Peterson was there, too. The top of his book concealed his face like a ring of clouds might conceal a mountain.

It was the cover of the book that attracted Lila's attention most. Emboldened on the book cover with large letters was the word "horticulture". This was Stinky Peterson's science report of choice: vegetables.

"Yep," Stinky Peterson said out loud pointing to the cover of the book as if he had read minds. "In plain English, that means gardening! I want'tah do my science report on carrots! Or maybe brussel sprouts! I sure would like to eat some of them!"

"Brussel sprouts!" Gerald convulsed with disgust. "Why'd ya wanna eat those?" Gerald put down his book long enough to stick out his tongue as though he might vomit. But then he went back to his book. The pictures of supernovas were pretty interesting.

"Take a look at this, Gerald!" said Arnold lowering his book to tap on his friend's shoulder. "Pretty neat, huh?"

"Yeah!" Gerald agreed with joy. The boy whirled his finger round the surface of a diagram and held an angle under his chin as he squinted at the page.

"That's a pretty neat diagram! Now if you ask me…" Gerald began before Arnold suddenly startled so that he jumped in his seat. His eyes flashed right behind him then back again with confusion. "It's Lila! What is she doing here?" Arnold hissed in a low whisper behind his book. Using his own book abutted next to Arnold's, Gerald hissed back.

"I dunno!" Gerald whispered. "But judging by those looks of hers, she's on a manhunt! So I suggest we get out of here, man!"

"Yup!" Arnold whispered closing his book up- fast. He and Gerald ambled out of the library swiftly, books under their arms, and flat, annoyed looks on their faces.

But it wasn't Arnold Lila had come here to see. It wasn't Gerald, either. Instead, Gerald and Arnold had left the one person she was after alone, so now, in the quiet of the library, Lila crept forward. Arms looped around behind her back, she tipped her head sideways to get a better look at Stinky Peterson.

"Why, hello!" the girl said with charm. She batted her eyes once, ever so cutely. "Whatever are you reading, Stinky?"

"I'm readin' all about horticulture!" Stinky Peterson explained. He spoke wholesome truth, devoid of fear or wariness. He had no suspicions of romance whatsoever.

"Wow!" Lila said fluttering her eyelids up and down three times fast. "I think it's impressive you can read all those big words! Where I come from, they called that farming!"

"Yeah, shoot! I guess you could call it that, too!"

"Well, I think it's ever so swell and ever so attractive you have an interest in a rural profession."

"Oh, they 'ken grow things in cities, too!" Stinky Peterson interjected. "Don't you doubt it!"

"Oh, my! You're ever so positive! Well, I'll see you around, Stinky!" said Lila before she turned around. Wide-eyed, Stinky Peterson watched Lila's braids sway as she marched away.

"What in the heck was that?!" the boy mumbled to himself.

At lunch time, Stinky Peterson was the recipient of another admiring stare. Lila was marching by him in the schoolyard, one of her textbooks pressed to her front as she trotted by like a fine mare. Arnold and Gerald both stopped eating their brown bagged lunches in confusion. Fortunately, Rhonda Lloyd, the school gossip and relationship expert, was seated at the far end of the same table (across from Nadine).

"Uh, Rhonda?" Arnold felt suddenly pressed to ask. "Do you know what's up with Lila? She's… I don't know… acting a little strange?"

"Tah! I'm painting my nails!" Rhonda scolded the boy before dipping her red nail polish brush back in its bottle. "Fine!" Rhonda said waving her fingertips low to dry them. "It's like this! Lila and Park broke up. It's not as if they didn't get along or anything. It's just that Park announced that his parents might move them all next year! New professionals and everything! They've been promoted so it'll be on to new and better things. And higher salary. They won't need to stay at their crummy little apartment for long. So, Park decided to tell Lila that it was for the best that they stayed 'just friends'," Rhonda ended making quotation marks with a grave expression. Gerald smirked.

"Wow, must have been strange hearing those words come right back at her!" Gerald declared, suddenly smug.

"Well, I do feel sorry for the girl!" Rhonda elaborated. "But it was inevitable! His parents are drifters."

"You mean, Park was way out of her league!" Gerald huffed. "What did she expect thinking only the best was right for her? He's pegged for Ivy league. Beggers can't be choosers."

"They could have made it work," Arnold said, habitually kind to others. "I mean, Lila's a really nice girl."

"Yeah, nice…" Gerald said sliding his eyes sideways with suspicion. "But then why's she suddenly taking up such an interest in Stinky? He's got a girl!"

"You mean Gloria?" Arnold asked. He shot an inquiring look down the table to his tallest freind. Stinky Peterson looked up to the sky with a day-dreaming face.

"Ah, yes! Gloria! My sweet and tender darlin'! She's as welcome to parched thirst as a summer's rain and as sweet as a Mr. Nutty bar! I ken't describe to you how lucky I am to have met such a radiant creature! We get on fine. 'Cept one thing. Her pa only lets me visit her once a week. Them's the rules."

"Once a week?" Gerald grimaced. "Man, that's strict!"

"Yeah, but he thinks we're a bit young to be courtin'! So we need to take our time about it! Thet and Gloria is downright busy all the time with her sewing circles and volunteer work and everythin.'"

"Okay, okay, we get it!" Gerald said. "No need to elaborate! So you've got no interest in Lila, huh? That's wise. A good-looking girl like that can be a whole mess of trouble! And like they say, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." Frowning, Arnold silently munched into his sandwich.

Nothing more might have come of the incident if it hadn't been for the watering can. It was Lila's day to be ball monitor, and chasing after a stray dodge ball, she failed to see it ahead of her. But Stinky Peterson did.

"Watch out, Miss Lila!" the boy said grasping onto Lila's shoulders to keep her up as she began to trip over the offending watering can. Water slopped all over Lila's skirt but at least she hadn't fallen down thanks to Stinky Peterson.

"Why thank you, ever so much, Stinky! You're ever such a brave, bold, kind, considerate boy!" Lila said laying it on thick. Her eyes were sunk with a smoldering glare. Stinky Peterson stopped in his tracks- completely still. He was still frozen in place when Arnold and Gerald came to nudge him. The school bell rang.

"Uh, Stinky? Gerald said. He gave Stinky another nudge. "Anyone in there? Hello?" Stinky budged at last.

"My gawsh, I have a prob'lem!" Stinky muttered to himself.

When Stinky Peterson got home, his Pa and Uncle Peterson were rocking on the porch drinking the lemonade they called 'lemon fish-juice'. His father stared long and hard at Stinky.

"Somethin' wrong, son?" he asked Stinky Peterson as the boy hung his head as low as a sickly mule might.

"Yes, pa!" Stinky Peterson said to his father. "I've a great girl in Gloria! We get on swell and I admire her! But there's this other girl at school and… I think… well that, gosh, I've gone and got'ta crush on her!"" Stinky Peterson complained with his thumb pointing down the road in the direction in which he had come. His father got down off the rocking chair immediately. He placed his hand on Stinky's shoulder.

"Well, son! At a time like this," he advised. "It's best that ya take your time to think on it and reflect! 'En it's as good a time as any ta' fish!" He plucked up a fishing pole from the corner of the porch and lay it out on Stinky's palms. The boy was wonderstuck.

Arnold and Gerald were both walking to school when they saw a bizarre sight. It was Stinky Peterson walking by with a straw hat on his head, the handle of a lunch cooler in his hand, and a fishing pole in the other. Arnold and Gerald stopped in place to stare at their friend. He was marching away from school, not toward it.

"Eh? Stinky? We've got school today?" Gerald offered up as a suggestion. Stinky Peterson paused his march.

"No I don't! Pa called me out, special! I'm going on a herm-it-age!"

"A hermitage?" Arnold repeated. He walked closer to examine Stinky's gear.

"Looks like fishing to me!" Gerald complained letting go of the fishing pole so that it vibrated after it had sprung free. He looked up at Stinky Peterson with suspicion.

"Yup!" Stinky Peterson explained with not a touch of shame. "I'm off 'ta Wang's Bait Shop! I'm gonna go fishin' until it comes ta me- which is the girl I love!"

"You mean Lila or Gloria?" Arnold guessed with sudden shrewdness. There was concern in that voice of his.

"Yep!" Stinky Peterson said. "Pa says, sometimes a man's gotta do what's a man's gotta do! I'll see ya later, Arnold!" The tall, lanky boy stalked off.

Five days later, Arnold and Gerald were staked out in some reeds. Stinky Peterson was out in the water on a little rowboat, watching the end of a fishing line. Gerald checked his watch. "Man! Five days! How long does that boy need to make up his mind?! At this point, he should flip a quarter or something!"

"Nah, let's just let him be!" Arnold advised as they slipped back into the brush.

Another few days passed. Arnold and Gerald were both astonished when the boy who next walked up to them in the school lunch line holding a loaded food tray was none other than Stinky Peterson. Arnold's eyes were wide.

"Stinky! You're back!" he said with amazement.

"Yep! I'm back from my hermitage!" Stinky Peterson declared with pride. "And I've done made up my mind! 'Scuze me! I have somethin' to do first!" Stinky Peterson walked across the lunchroom. He sat down in front of Lila.

"'Scuze me, miss!" he interrupted. "I have somethin' to say to you! I know you like me and I'm right keen flattered and all that, but I've got a girl. And I've decided that Gloria is the only one right for me!"

"Oh! Well thank you for considering me and all that! That's ever so thoughtful of you! I wish you all the best!" Lila said with the same blankness of someone applying to job interviews. She got up and walked away to another table full of girls. Arnold and Gerald sat down next to Stinky. They stared.

"That took some guts!" Gerald observed. Stinky looked mildly proud of himself.

"Yup! It was hard, but when I was settin' out on the boat fer days, I just kept thinking to myself! And suddenly I knew what I wanted fer myself. Neither girl was the wrong choice! I just had to make up my mind! Mr. Nutty Bar or an orange popsicle… I couldn't have both at the same time! So I had to pick my favorite flavor and well… for me that's Gloria!"

"Wow, Stinky," said Arnold. "I'm... impressed!"

"Yeah, man!" agreed Gerald. "That's deep!

"And don't you worry about Helga, Arnold!" Stinky said so suddenly Arnold jumped in his seat. "Helga's like a purdy apple. She may have a few bad blemishes, but she's still a purdy apple!"

"Uh, Stinky, I'd rather not talk about my love-life right now!" the boy muttered sinking low behind his sandwich. Some of the kids were pointing their fingers to laugh.

Stinky had caused an uproar in the school cafeteria. But Stinky didn't care. Instead, he was interested only in walking out to the school playground. There, on the edge of the playground next to the fence amongst a windblown patch of dandelions Gloria waited with the wind in her hair. Stinky Peterson knelt before his chosen girl.

"Gloria! I've decided. You're the only girl for me!" The girl before him let Stinky hold her hands for a minute. Then she spoke out loud in a mumble.

"Aww, that's so sweet of you!" she said. "I've come to tell you we'll have to skip meeting each other this week on account of an appointment, then next week! But we should be able to see one another next month!" Gloria said curling her hand in symbol of a phone. "I'll call!"

"Aw, shoot!" Stinky Peterson dropped as sparrows flew out of every bush around them. The end.


End file.
